smolderingstars

as my life undergoes upheaval and i rapidly approach the onset of major transitions, i find myself at times, and often miserably, wholly concerned with the details of my past; i am speaking in particular about the outrageously unjust and senseless death of my best friend, arthur, over five years ago, which had, until recently, receded to the periphery of my consciousness. admittedly, i have been encouraging this resurgence of grief in various ways: reading his old livejournal entries, acquiring his memorial scrap book, visiting his grave... i went there today, and the stone is worn; it hurt my heart to think of how increasingly distant into the past he fades as each day turns over into a new one. time is cruel because it tears beautiful moments away from me-- but of course, without time i'd never have those moments bestowed upon me to begin with, so for time i should be grateful... and i am, i am enormously grateful, but also resentful, because what happened to arthur was unfair, unnecessary, and appallingly unfortunate. it never should have occurred, because so many things could have prevented it.

could have... but didn't.

the past is infuriating because the facts never change, only one's perception of them. i will never have another friend like arthur-- that's a fact. there is so much i could have done to save him-- that's a fact, too. but blaming myself won't bring him back, so all i have left to do is remember him, and miss him, and thank the powers that be that i was lucky enough to be a person of significance in his deplorably short lifetime.

if there is someone you haven't been as close with in a while, who is nevertheless tremendously precious to you, please, please, tell them how special they are-- not soon, not tomorrow, but now. tell them they are important and valued and beautiful, tell them they have changed your life in remarkable ways and shown you wondrous, marvelous things. tell them they are unique, tell them they are radiant, tell them there is no one else like them. tell them now, while you're still sure they can hear you.

to all of you who read this, thank you for your time and your comments and your support. thank you for giving me someplace to talk to myself without actually talking to just myself. thank you also for entrusting me with the details of your lives, too, and know that you are all intelligent and emotive and honest and inspiring, and that reading your entries and peeking through that little window that is livejournal into the vibrant, fascinating existences you lead lets me know that i am not alone. we are all breathing feeling dreaming moving dynamic creative remarkable human beings... and we need to be loved. express your love.

happy holidays, thanks again for listening.